Record:Cok and Harakar Piss About Haute eee
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 | The Faltiran Senate has prohibited the publication and consumption of this material for hereticism and vulgarity. |
 | The publication of this material has been blocked by the Rossan Press Commission. Attempts to publish it in the Republic of La Rossa may result in a fine. |
 | Modhes Temple has required all publication of this material to declare the contents to be disgusting. |
Cok: I think that's Râk coming now!
(Cok and Vok both wave their hands in the air excitedly. The Giga-Yacht pulls into the harbour covered in "scars" from the journey. A writhing mass is bound on her back. Pit is sent off to go buy family tickets for Big Roog theme park. Cok skips up to the ship, trying to help tie ropes around the bollards. The little boat bridge things begin to unfurl. Harakar begins walking down the bridge thing, his absurdly fluffy coat blowing in the wind.)
Cok: Râk! My good friend! Long time no see!
(Harakar smiles.)
Harakar: It is good to see a friendly face for once.
(Cok takes notice of Harakar's big coat and wonders what's underneath it.)
Cok: I like your coat! Afraid it might be a bit hot for the current weather.
(Harakar removes his coat revealing his tight stained tank top. Cok licks his lips. Harakar does that eyebrow thing.)
Cok: (Looking up and down.) I don't think the locals will be too happy about this. It's a bit too... exciting.
Harakar: I can take it off if you want.
Cok: (Coughs.) Distracting. (Cok opens his fanny pack, pulling out a white T-shirt.) Dont worry, I brought a spare.
(Harakar removes his tank top. Cok puts the t-shirt on Harakar, 'accidentally' putting it on backwards the first time.)
Cok: Whoops!
Harakar: (Sarcastically.) Oh, no.
(Cok looks around, excitedly.)
Cok: I take you didnt bring Lightning then?
(Lighting pops his head out of the bush he's hiding in. His head retracts.)
(Pit walks to Vok, 4 tickets in hand. Cok and Harakar start walking down the jetty toward Pit and Vok.)
Cok: I hope you're impressed by our new port. It's a bit makeshift, giving fishing was never common up this end. (Cok steps on a plank and it breaks.)
Harakar: It's quite impressive with how quickly it was erected.
Cok: Trade is our number 1 priority at the moment.
Harakar: I hope you have room for other things.
Cok: I have lots of rooms, for lots of things.
Harakar: Hope you have room for me.
(The two reach Pit and Vok. Pit immediately notices Lightning.)
Pit: Râk, good to see you again.
Harakar: (Feigning surprise.) Oh, Lightning, what are you doing there?
Pit: Lite, good to see you too. (To Vok.) Say hello, Vok.
(Vok shakes his head shyly.)
Cok: Isn't he a wonderful little boy?
(Lighting walks up to the group dragging his sniper rifle behind him.)
Harakar: He looks lovely, just like his father.
(Cok's face turns bright red. Harakar smiles.)
Pit: Oh no, did you forget to bring sunscreen? I suppose, well. Have to buy some once we get to the Big Roog.
Harakar: So, how's Barakar been doing?
Cok: Bark? haven't heard from him in a while.
Harakar: Shame, his father became an Ossbosche recently.
(Pit urges the group to start walking toward the Big Roog. The group walks ever on.)
(They arrive at the gate, which is a big plaster duck with its wings spread down the archway.)
Cok: Oh, no, you forgot to buy tickets for Lite to enter.
Pit: You told me he wasn't coming.
Cok: I guess he isn't now.
(Harakar sees Cok's ruse.)
Pit: We shouldn't exclude him. Should we, Vok?
(Vok is squeezing out a full tester tube of salt scented lotion at the gift shop.)
Harakar: So long, Lightning, see you around.
(Cok, Harakar, Pit and Vok line up at the gate, arms out ready to get banded.)
Gip Ulri (worker): (To Pit.) You need to buy a ticket at the kiosk over there.
Pit: But I bought tickets before. I must've lost them! Silly me.
Cok: If you lost them, why don't you just take Vok to BoneTown. Get a head start.
(Pit looks uncomfortable but agrees.)
Pit: I'll go look for Lite.
(Harakar looks back and glances. Lightning's eyes peaking out of a rubbish bin.)
Cok: So, Râk, which ride do you want to try first? I haven't been here in years so I can't suggest anything. The main attraction is the WetCoaster.
(Harakar spins his head around as Lightning enters the park using his stolen ticket.)
Harakar: (Seductively.) I like the sound of the WetCoaster. So, where's the WetCoaster?
Cok: Here, I'll take you there.
(Cok takes Harakar's hand and leads him there. Harakar willingly goes. Lightning follows close behind. The two queue up for an hour while Cok excitedly outlines how wet you get.)
(Harakar tries to hide his erection.)
(Cok notices. Cok coughs.)
Cok: Looks like it's time to board the coaster.
(Harakar boards the coaster. Cok follows. Lightning gets in the car behind.)
Hop Sirikut (worker): Are you ready to have the wettest time of your life?!?!?!?!
(All the people in the carriage cheer.)
Hop: I can't hear youuuu!
(Cok smiles and turns to Harakar. Lightning is silent. Harakar looks to Cok, and smiles all the same.)
The crowd: Wooo-hoo-hoo, yeha, I can't wait!
Hop: Then get ready for the experience of a lifetime!
(The carriage starts moving. Cok and Harakar get a quick yet romantic view of the park and the harbour. Harakar melts. The carriage speeds up. Cok holds Harakar's hand.)
Cok: Râk...
(Harakar solidifies. Harakar takes Cok's hand.)
Harakar: Cok...
(The carriage suddenly drops into a pool. The two are soaking wet.)
Tut Ulri (worker): And thus concludes the Soak-tacular WetCoaster.
(Harakar's white yoga pants have become see-through. Cok's breath hitches. The trio clamber out of the carriage. Cok looks behind him at Lightning and jumps.)
Cok: Lite! You gave me a fright! How did you get in here?
Harakar: He must have found a ticket.
Cok: I guess that makes sense.
(Cok is annoyed.)
Harakar: Harakar:Harakar:Harakar:Harakar:Harakar:Harakar:Harakar:
Harakar: Sorry, misspoke there.
Cok: I see the sun's getting to you.
Harakar: It must be.
Cok: Maybe we should buy some sunscreen before we regret it.
Harakar: I wouldn't want to get sunburnt, now, would I?
(Cok takes Harakar's hand and walks him to a swimming supplies vendor. The shopfront is shaped like a boulder.)
Cok: Can I get a tube of sunscreen please? Extra spf.
Ret Ulri (worker): Okay, 2 Loteng please.
(Cok hands Ret the payment. Ret gives Cok the sunscreen. Cok starts rubbing the sunscreen on Harakar's arms. Harakar moans. Cok starts rubbing deeper, getting into every one of Harakar's pores. Harakar breathes deep. Cok puts some sunscreen on his hands and rubs it on Harakar's neck. Harakar notices a nearby dumpster. Lightning watches in horror. Cok tugs at the neckline of Harakar's t-shirt.)
Cok: You know it's important to get as much skin as possible.
(Harakar leans in besides Cok.)
Harakar: (Whispering.) Perhaps we could better apply this in yonder dumpster.
Cok: Great idea.
Harakar: Come Lightning, to the dumpster!
Cok: I'm sure Lite wouldn't be too happy about this. (Gesturing at Lightning.) He doesn't need any sunscreen.
Harakar: I like an audience.
Cok: I don't think Lite will like watching, though.
(Cok looks at Lightning expectantly.)
Harakar: Lite doesn't have much of a choice. He is my loyal scribe. He needs to record what we say.
Cok: Fine.
(Harakar leads Cok to the dumpster the Lightning tagging along behind them. Cok pries open the lid. Harakar pushes himself up against the edge of the dumpster and climbs in the same way a snail would. The dumpster is filled with newspaper. Cok does a flip in. Cok lands on top of Harakar. Cok gasps. Lightning peers in doing his best not to think about the trail of "slime" Harakar made whilst entering.)
Harakar: Shall we begin?
(Cok excitedly tears off Harakar's shirt and rubs a dollop of sunscreen on his chest. Harakar shudders at Cok's touch. Cok puts his hands up to Harakar's shoulders and climbs on his lap. Harakar moves his face closer to that of Cok. Cok opens his mouth. Harakar does the same. Cok rubs sunscreen on Harakar's lips.)
Harakar: You put a bit too much on. Let me give you some.
(Harakar begins kissing Cok on the lips. Lightning tries his best to hide his bigotry.)
(Cok kisses Harakar back. Cok takes off his shirt. Harakar grabs onto Cok's waist. Cok inhales sharply. Cok moves his hands onto Harakar's back. There is no longer any sunscreen on his hands.)
Harakar: (Whispers.) Should we go a step further?
Cok: (Trying to whisper back.) Please...
(Harakar reveals the Giga-Cock.)
Cok: Râk...
Harakar: Glub glub.
(A small crowd forms around the dumpster. Cok takes Harakar's hand and puts it on his fly. The crowd causes Lightning to fall into the dumpster.)
Cok: Leave us alone, Lite.
(Harakar throws Lightning to the far side of the dumpster.)
Cok: Where were we?
(Cok puts Harakar's hand back on his throbbing bulge. Harakar squeezes. Cok's hips buckle and he gives in to the touch. Harakar deploys the acid. Cok's pants melt off.)
Cok: Râkrâkrâkrâkrâkrâkrâkrâk-
(Harakar begins to emit a loud humming sound. Cok pounces onto Harakar. The humming sound becomes deeper. Cok yanks down Harakar's wet yoga pants. Cok flips Harakar over.)
Harakar: Oh, boy.
Cok: Oh, boy, indeed.
(Lightning starts crying.)
Harakar: Begin.
(Cok thrusts in raw. Harakar then lets off a noise. Cok slowly pulls out, then thrusts in again. Harakar moans deeper than before. Cok grunts.)
Harakar: I wish there was some way I could repay the favour. Wait, I know. Lightning, massage Cok's prostate.
(Lightning pulls a glove out of his shirt pocket. Lightning has second thoughts and leaves the dumpster to fetch his gong.)
Cok: (Yells.) No need, Râk!
(Cok jizzes all up inside Harakar. Cok hasn't had sex in three years.)
Harakar: (Yells.) Cowabunga!
(Cok collapses onto Harakar. Harakar jizzes on Cok's face. Harakar has sex constantly but is very gay. Cok kisses Harakar again. Harakar responds with equal force.)
Cok: I feel like we're the only two people alive right now.
(A camera flashes.)
Harakar: Oh, no.
(Lightning returns rolling his gong in.)
Harakar: Lightning, quickly get back to the Giga-Yacht and awake the beast!
Harakar: (Whispers to Cok.) Let's get out of here, before the beast shows up.
(Cok skitters out like a street cat. Harakar grows a new set of clothes and follows suit. Cok pulls a new pair of cargo shorts out from his fanny pack and equips them. Cok takes Harakar's hand and skips toward a shop with a wall of stuffed animals. Screams echo through the park.)
Harakar: Sounds like the beast is here.
(Cok points at the largest stuffed animal.)
Cok: I'll win you this one!
Harakar: VVVVVVVVVVVVV
(Cok hands mLik Ulri, a worker, 1 Loteng. Cok pelts a dead rat at a pile of cans. All of them topple except one. Cok pelts another dead rat at it, he misses completely.)
Harakar: You were close there.
mLik: Last try!
Harakar: You can do it, Cok!
(Cok winds his arm up. He throws the dead rat. It hits the final can! Harakar gasps in joy.)
mLik: Nice one! Step up heere and taaaake your prize!
(Cok yanks a stuffed churg off the wall. Cok hands Harakar his winnings. Harakar takes the churg.)
Harakar: I've got a gift for you too.
(Cok closes his eyes and holds out his hands. Harakar places a baggie of bag rock into Cok's hand.)
Harakar: I made it myself
(Cok opens his eyes. Cok gasps and hugs Harakar very tightly. Harakar squeezes hard. Harakar sees his boat guards attempting wrangle the beast in the distance.)
Cok: There's a river rapids here too.
(Cok snakes his arm around Harakar's waist and guides him toward the river rapids. His hand is guided further down by an unknown force. Cok spots a log flume ride.)
Cok: Ooee! Now this takes me back to my youth.
Harakar: Tell me about this youth of yours.
Cok: I had a wonderful youth. Letsot is a great place to grow up.
Harakar: Forgive me, my good chum Cok. But at some point we must discuss matters of a international imporance.
Cok: I'll take you to Letsot after we've finished our time at BoneTown.
Harakar: Very good
Cok: Then we can discuss politics.
Harakar: I look forward to seeing this "Lets O."
Cok: For now, I simply want to be here. The future is so far away.
Harakar: Cool stuff. I feel like the universe has shuddered.
Cok: The log flumes will do that to you.
Harakar: More like the log fumes, am I right?
Cok: Nothing like the fresh smell of fungus.
Harakar: FUNGUS!
Harakar: Sorry, did I say something just then?
Cok: You said exactly what I was thinking. The fungus is inedible, I'm sorry. That's why this is the only ride in the whole place that children aren't allowed on. You're over 18, right?
Harakar: I am well over 18.
Cok: Good to hear.
(Cok and Harakar are now in line.)
(10 hours pass.)
(Cok and harakar board the log flume.)
Ret Ulri (worker): Welcome to the log flume ride!
(Harakar stares into Ret Ulri's soul.)
Ret: Are you ready for a- (Ret whimpers and cowers away.)
(The log flume starts moving.)
Cok: I wonder if we are allowed to put our hands outside the flume?
Harakar: I knew a guy who put his hands outside a ride like this. He doesn't have hands anymore.
Cok: Well, this ride is guaranteed knife-free.
Harakar: The "lion-tunnel" didn't have knives but he still lost his hands.
(The log flume dips down. Cok puts his hand on Harakar’s knee. Harakar puts his hand on Cok's hand and thinks of genocide. Cok pushes his hand further down harakar’s inner thigh. Cok squeezes. Harakar freezes. Because the ride is cold. Cok puts his other hand on Harakar’s cheek, reassuring him. Harakar becomes reassured. Cok cups Harakar’s bulge. Log flume sex begins. Cok cums first. He is very deprived. Harakar cums whilst doing a backflip. Cok lifts Harakar out of the water and back into the log flume. Harakar absorbs the water into his skin. Cok rests his head on Harakar’s shoulder. Cok is struggling to breathe as he pants. Harakar opens his mouth 90 degrees and begins to suck out Cok's breath. Cok pulls away.)
Cok: Râk I genuinely can’t breathe right now
Harakar: Oh, no.
Cok: I need to calm down a bit.
(Cok counts to ten in his mind. Cok's breathing returns to normal. Harakar counts to twenty in his mind in just as quick a time.)
Cok: Now, where were we?
Harakar: We were on a log flume.
(The log flume ride abruptly ends. The log flume skids across the concrete and into a little trench. Cok and Harakar stumble out of the log flume and look around.)
Cok: The park’s about to close. Let’s get a bite to eat first. Then we’ll head over to BoneTown.
Harakar: Very good, very good.
(The pair head for food. Lightning follows.)
Cok: Does this place look nice?
(Cok points to a vending machine.)
Harakar: I'm not familiar with this technology.
(Cok shakes the machine and a plate of spaghetti falls out the hatch, along with 2 sets of cutlery. The two sit beside the vending machine. They do that thing where they both suck one strand of spaghetti.)
(Harakar glances at Lightning.)
Harakar: Lightning, run back to the ship and fetch us some dessert. Bring the captain whilst you're there, I'm sure Cok would love to meet him.
(Lightning scurries off.)
Cok: I don’t know if they’ll let him back in. So, how has your trip been so far? I hear you’re visiting all the countries.
Harakar: My trip has been quite eventful. I have been... I went to the Island that that Ringo guy owns. He showed me around his parent's flat.
Cok: How underwhelming.
Harakar: I know.
Cok: has anyone else taken you to a theme park?
Harakar: Sort of.
Cok: I bet it wasn’t as good as this one.
Harakar: In Niueyjar, the Empress took me on a train ride. Then we went into a cave.
Cok: Well, that’s only a train ride. Nowhere near as nice as this.
(Harakar lowers his voice.)
Harakar: Then something odd happened. She threw me and Lightning into a pit of fire.
Cok: Cock.
Harakar: Harakar.
(Cok thinks about cool attractions in the area that could rival that.)
Harakar: Just to be clear here. She actually tried to kill me and Lightning.
(Cok breathes a sigh of relief.)
Harakar: I still have a limp from the fall. Ohhhhh, and the burns.
Cok: You poor thing... Need someone to kiss them better?
Harakar: That will come later. Frankly, it was the most painful thing I'd ever experienced.
(Cok puts his arm around Harakar. Harakar thinks for a moment.)
Harakar: Perhaps second most painful.
Cok: So, how about the other countries?
(A wicked smile comes across Harakar's face.)
Harakar: (Trying to stifle laughter.) I once took a trip to Agrada.
(Harakar goes full volume. Cok pretends to understand. Harakar begins laughing. Cok does a little laugh. His jaw unhinges and his legs and torso go limp. Harakar falls off his seat to the ground still laughing. Birds flee the area. Cok is still eating his spaghetti. Harakar begins to slam his arm against the ground in an uncontrollable fit of laughter. Cok looks around to check no one's there. The concrete begins to crack under the force of Harakar's ground smashing. Nearby building begin to shudder. The glass of the vending machine shatters and flies off in all directions, food falls everywhere. Cok uses the spaghetti plate to shield himself.)
dop Ulri (worker): Hey!
(Harakar cannot perceive the world around him at this moment. dop lightly kicks harakar. Harakar raises in single move and towers two feet above the worker. dop brandishes a taser.)
dop: You’re paying for this damage.
Harakar: How much?
dop: ൽ340.
Cok: It’s fine, he’s not from here. I’ll pay. (Cok scribbles on a chequebook and hands it to dop. dop fiddles with the cheque before scurrying off.)
(Harakar makes one of those crisis averted noises. Cok sits back down.)
Cok: So, these other countries you’ve visited?
Harakar: Yes?
Cok: Tell me about them.
(Harakar moves to his seat shrinking back to his normal height.)
Harakar: Niueyjar was quite nice up until the attempted assassination thing.
(Cok nods his head.)
Harakar: Casea was quite an odd place.
Harakar: Their Cheese minister fed me this odd sandwich made of rye bread, smoked salmon and ice cream.
(Cok drools.)
Cok: Did anywhere look good for a family holiday?
Harakar: Not that I can recall. (Harakar puts reality back in its place.) I would need a place that doesn't care too much for zoning. I want to live in next to an ice cream shop.
Cok: I’ll buy a house next to one.
(Harakar moves into one of those positions where his legs start to act like Twizzlers.)
Harakar: Let me tell you about my trip to Utlia. You recall how I was absent from communications for two months?
Cok: The worst two months of my life...
Harakar: Do you recall that sort of dark thing that was on my boat when I got here?
Cok: The anchor?
Harakar: The Beast.
Cok: Ah, that. I remember.
Harakar: Anywho, he attacked us out at sea and dragged us out into the iron cyclone - that's what I've called where he dragged us. Cool name, aye?
(Cok nods.)
Harakar: So he dragged us out here. The ship's captain Lazaint had us throw explosives into the water to dislodge the creature. Many died. But the move unstuckulated us.
(Cok's heart races.)
Harakar: Lazaint wanted to leave but I wanted answers... or something. For the next two months we hunted the Beast. On day the thing climbs onboard and starts wrecking up the place. Needless to say, I dealt with that situation. Now he's my trusted ally. Lazaint was wounded in the scuffle, but I'm sure he'll pull it together to come and meet you.
Cok: Can't wait to meet this guy.
(Cok is jealous.)
Harakar: I can't wait for you to meet him.
(Harakar spies Lightning walking towards him and Cok. The sirens wail. An announcement is heard overheard.)
Announcer: THE PARK IS CLOSING THE PARK IS CLOSING GET OUT NOW! HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR STAY
(Harakar legs it for the exit. Cok sees Lightning and tries to outrun his vision. Lightning gives chase. Lightning is young and full of zest. Cok runs in a zigzag. Lightning runs straight. Cok runs out the front gate and does a sharp left turn behind a bin. Harakar escapes the park. Lightning leaves the park and freezes. His killer instincts kicking in. Cok peers around the bin to check for Lightning. Harakar spies Lightning and Cok and waves them over. Pit and Vok walk over to the group. Cok walks over. Lightning walks over and stands behind Cok.)
Harakar: (To Lighting.) Did you bring Lazaint with you?
(Cok holds onto his belt loops. Lightning shakes his head sadly and hands Harakar a small drum.)
Harakar: Oh.
Cok: Oh, cool! A drum! Vok+s been practicing the drums for his school band. Vok, why don’t you show them what you’ve learnt?
(Harakar looks devastated.)
Cok: This’ll cheer you up, I promise.
(Cok takes the drum from Harakar and gives it to Vok. Vok plays a little drum beat. Harakar offers no resistance. Lightning is clearly offended. Pit puts her hand over the drum.)
Pit: I don’t think Lite wants you to play his drum. It’s his drum.
(Pit takes the drum and gives it back to Lightning apologetically. Vok starts crying. Lightning nods in thanks.)
Harakar: (In a sad tone.) Lightning, put the drum with the rest.
Cok: You brought a drum set?!?!?!?
(Vok stops crying.)
Harakar: We didn't have one when we started.
Vok: Let me seeeee!
(Lightning walks off with grace.)
Harakar: (Faintly.) Sure.
(Harakar begins slowly walking towards the Giga-Yacht. Everyone else in the group follows. The group arrives at the Giga-Yacht. Harakar begins heading below deck. Cok scans his surroundings. His hairs stand on end. The group enter the underside of the deck and are greeted by several dozen newly made drums. Vok squeals in delight.)
Cok: Can you play them?
(Harakar nods slowly.)
Cok: Please, let me see.
(Harakar plays the drums. Cok is moved by the performance. 2 hours pass.)
Cok: So, how did you get all these?
Harakar: It was a long trip, we were bound to pick some up.
Cok: So, they’re from the other islands? Fascinating.
(Harakar zones out.)
Harakar: I think I'm going to clock out early.
(Cok’s pager beeps.)
Harakar: See you and the fam out sometime before tomorrow morning.
(Cok pulls out his pager and reads it.)
Cok: One moment, Râk.
Harakar: Very well.
Cok: Goose Step is separating. Good luck in Siô eee.
(Harakar looks on with indifference.)
Harakar: Goodnight, Cok.
Cok: Good night, Râk.
(Harakar walks off into his meth lab. Cok curls up on the floor.)